When The Tennis Gods Made 2012
Posted by Brodie under: Year In Review
As we are all aware, the tennis gods pre-rig all tennis matches ever played, and that will ever be played. However, it is not well known that all matches are planned out in the small amount of time between tournaments in December. Below is the writing of the main events of the 2012 men’s events between the god responsible for it, and his assistant.
It was a cold, blustery day in Tennis Goddom, December 29th, 2011 as the tennis gods got to writing out the next season. Tennis God #3 was responsible for the main events of the men’s season, and was responsible for planning them out with his assistant, who we will call for naming purposes, Mo.
Tennis God #3 Mo! Bring me my scroll! And my quill! And that massive bottle of rum you bought me for Christmas. Tennis season will soon be upon us!
Mo Yes sir, of course sir.
Tennis God #3 This year will be a simple year, Mo. Yes, while my years of Federer and Nadal domination ended this 2011, 2012 must even itself out. I’m feeling generous.
Mo Are you drunk al-
Tennis God #3 Silence! Alright. The Australian Open. Ah! Yes! It is but days away. I can’t have everyone believing that things will be simple this year. Never. It must be relatively predictable. Djokovic again! Yes. And over Nadal. A gruesome, brutal, war of attrition for a final. Those silly people in North America will never sleep! Bahahaha. This is all too easy and fun.
Mo You’re just taking the easy route because you’re drunk.
Tennis God #3 BLASPHEMY. The Roland Garrosssss…. but of course. Nadal. We’ll tease the fans with a Monaco/Nadal match-up along the way… but then have Nadal mercilessly crush him anyway. Silly girls. Bah! We’ll have Tsonga nearly beat Djokovic too, yes. Curse those silly French people. That will make Djokovic easy meat for Nadal in the final, too. Yes, good. God, this job is so easy.
Mo Wouldn’t giving Djokovic another slam and a shot at a full Grand Slam create an easier narrative?
Tennis God #3 Oh helllllll no. We need Djokovic out of the picture for now. We need to give Rafa fans false hope. Yes. But screw them! Ha. Yes. Screw them royally. After a nice jet skiing holiday in Mallorca, or whatever the hell it is he does there, we’ll have him get hurt. First he must lose early in Wimbledon though. Yes. Let me throw my pen at this piece of paper and… Lukas Rosol! It’s all too perfect.
Oh this will be perfect! Andy Murray to win Wimbledon! Over Roger Federer! Haha. How brilliant would that be? Man, this is fun.
Mo I suppose he will win the Olympics as well? That would be fun.
Tennis God #3 … Dammit. You’re right. That would be far too much Murray for any of us to handle. There would be statues of him everywhere, and all sorts of monuments named after him. Insufferable. Give Wimbledon to … screw it, Federer. Murray can lose to him in the final. Ha! He can win it another year, screw it. We’ll give him the Olympics though, yes. And over Federer in the gold medal match! Baha. Too perfect. It’s like he won Wimbledon over the greatest grass courter ever… except he totally didn’t. Yes, that will do.
Mo And the bronze medal?
Tennis God #3 Riiiiight. Nadal is still injured? Yes. Right. Hmm. Not Djokovic, I’m done with him. Del Potro? Sure. Give it to him. And over Djokovic. I’m bored of him, screw him.
Mo As you wish, sir.
Tennis God #3 US Open! Oh the possibilities. Leave Nadal out, he can still be injured. Not sure what else to do with him. Still screwing Djokovic… and Federer won Wimbledon. The dude is old. Another US Open would seem fishy… yes, give it to Murray! Over Djokovic in the final! It will be an epic to finish the year!
Mo That seems awfully unbelievable.
Tennis God #3 You’re right. Somehow Djokovic will have to lose, hmm… Mo! To the tornado machine! Conjure up a tornado and push Djokovic’s match to Sunday. Playing someone he’ll beat easily, Ferrer or something, I don’t care. Hell, push the winds into Monday’s final, screw it all up. Give Murray the edge with the wind. That makes sense, right?
Mo Surely you would not make the entire final a windy affair. Into the night? That doesn’t make much sense.
Tennis God #3 Dammit Mo, why must you be so intelligent. You’re right. And we can’t have Murray winning in straight sets. That would just be… Un-Murray like. Once the wind stops, Djokovic will mount a comeback… but fall short. Yes. We can’t have this making much sense anyway. It’s Murray’s first slam. That would be stupid.
Mo Spot on, sir.
Tennis God #3 So it’s finished! My top 4 project will finally be realized. Each will win his preferred slam, and we’ll give the gold medal to Murray, the poor sod. Remind me to give him Wimbledon another year though, will you Mo?
Mo Of course, sir.
Tennis God #3 To the bar with us, then!