What are you saying to me?! Caroline Wozniacki had sex with Jonathan Vilma?! Jonathan Vilma plays for the New Orleans Saints?! THE NEW ORLEANS SAINTS WON THE SUPER BOWL?! I don’t even know what is and isn’t a lie anymore.

Two of three of these things are possibly and not necessarily true and the other one is a probably true fact of the blogosphere and should be taken at face value of truth. I know, I know. I’m making way too much sense for you right now.

“Holy fuck. So tennis balls are actually this big? They looked so much smaller that one time I watched tennis on TV.”

“YEEAAAAH well no they are actually a whole lot smaller and that’s just a really big one.”

Right. The things the poor WTA makes their players do. But hey, if it lets you showcase your top, attractive, winning, second seeded players like Caro, then it’s totally worth it. Right? For sure. That’s why you would put her ON COURT 1 TOMORROW. Which, unlike it’s name states, is actually the third court. Whatever Sony Ericsson. No one loves you. And where the fuck did the Ericsson come from anyway?

Don’t look twice (actually, do) but Trumpet (AKA Alize Cornet… haven’t exactly mentioned her in a while…) won a match. It was over Voegele (and she hate a bagel in the second set…) but a win’s a win! And in the Battle of the Foods, Sorana Banana beat Burrito. Ohthankgod.

Other WTA business, Justine, Patty, Makaroni, Czink, Errani (losing 1 game), Petkovic, and Kimiko (beating Chak) all won, among others.

As for the dudes, you guessed it, Nalby! Took out Kubot 3 and 2. Gooood. Curious as to how long it will take Nalby to get back to the top level. He’ll also benefit from days off from a longer tournament, and might be able to give Rafa a bit of a run for his money. Gooood. Another intriguing result, Jeremy took out the now returned Mario… which is kinda weird since Jeremy has been crap all year, and Mario was relatively solid last week considering how long he’s been out. Good win for Chardy.

Igor A, Gar-Lo, and Becker won, and PHM lost to Marchenko.

Last week Caro and A-Rad both sported matching straightened hair, a decision that was likely co-ordinated… so what were they thinking when they decided to do this to our poor bleeding eyes? I have no idea. I’m no fashion expert, but these were bad enough on their own. We know you’re friends, girls. Bellydancer seducing leopard? Yeah… no.

Hell, the guys were better dressed. Even ANDY MURRAY looks way better. What is wrong with the world?

Weird article over at ESPN from the Associated Press.

The French tennis federation says the French Open needs to get bigger or move from its historic site if it wants to stay competitive with the three other Grand Slam tournaments.

Gilbert Ysern, the general director of the federation, said Monday the relocation of the tournament was reviewed and that a decision could be made next year.

Provided the French federation assembly gives the go ahead in February 2011, the French Open could move next to the Versailles castle as it has a good transportation network. Another option would be near Disneyland Paris, in Marne-La-Vallee.

Well then. Hard to disagree that the place needs an upgrade, there was lots of talk for them to get a roof (especially after the rain disaster at the USO) but Versailles? That could be either freaking epic, or freaking stupid.

There’s always been a very… modest feel to RG for me, in a relaxed way, and I’ve loved that, so Versailles might take that away. But there’s no doubt, at least in terms of centre court/stadium that RG is lacking big time. Whether or not a total relocation is needed, I have no idea. Any thoughts?

AWWWWWYEAH. Crack a coconut, grab your sunglasses, and figure out what your grandparents are up to. It’s Florida time baby.

ATP – Masters 1000

Official Site: Here
Draw: Here
Projected Quarterfinals: Fed/Marin, Muzz/Sod, Rafa/Jo, Nole Dick

If you haven’t yet, take a look at that draw. Holy. It’s a real treat when Delpo and Kolya are out, no? Not really, but it messes up the seeding, and puts people in weird spots, not to mention the players like Richie, Nalby, Baggy, or Tree. So where do we stand?

First, direct your attention to Marin’s quarter. Potential THIRD round matches are Fer/Melzer and Baggy/Marin, and whoever comes out of the bloodbath that is those four, likely plays Fed in the quarters (not that Baggy would mind). Holy. And who REALLY knows what Marin’s up to, after a terrible Indian Wells, he’s definitely well rested. Focused? I don’t know.

The second quarter provides all sorts of messy business, as Muzz looked less than stellar in IW, he could face Youz, to play the winner of Sod/Gonzo. Can Muzz get his act together and beat Sod this time? Will Sod have trouble with a rested, possibly inspired Gonzo? The top half is just a whole thing I don’t even want to touch. So I will anyway. Gonna say quarters are Baggy/Fed, Muzz/Sod. And it’s not just wishful thinking. Baggy would have beat Marin or Fer if he ran into them at IW, this time should be no difference. Right?

The bottom half makes a whole lot more sense. Sure, Rafa could face Nalby in the third round, but honestly, this isn’t the normal Nalby, he’s still working on things. Pretty good chance the quarters will be Tree/Rafa, in my opinion, but I’d be surprised to see Rafa out before the semis.

And if you follow me on Twitter, you’ve seen my glorious tennis pool spam on this quarter of the draw. Nole is in tough against Richie and then possibly Q-Man or Monf. And Dick may just get his rematch against (ELEVENTH SEEDED) Old Man Ljubs in the fourth round. Assuming Mr. Clean beats T-Rob, who was on fire last week. Regardless, I think Nole got his seeds worth, and got the second best draw (next to Fed) and should be fine for the semis. He’s rested this time, and I wouldn’t expect the silliness of IW. You might just get your Rafole semi people.

WTA – Premier Mandatory

Official Site: Here
Draw: Here
Projected Quarterfinals: Kuz/Nails, Venus/A-Rad, JJ/Vika, Caro/Elena

As if the men’s draw wasn’t crazy enough. Breathe. Quarter by quarter.

First Quarter: If Twitter suggests anything, which it does with Kuz, Kuzonator should find herself in the quarterfinals here. She was less than impressed with her IW outing… and yeah, straight forward draw for the top seed. As for her opponent? I really think the winner of Aravane/Wicky is making it through. Not feeling Nails of late, she’s been totally non-existant since AO, and even if she is playing well, either of those players could beat her. Mono’s also hanging around, as is Ashley Harkleroad, who makes her random ass return to the tour.

Second Quarter: Can’t ask for a nicer draw if you’re Venus. Should be straight forward until the quarterfinals, in which you probably get A-Rad, who is simple, or possibly Flavs or Sabine, neither of whom have played well all year. Ana lucks out and keeps her old ranking for one last tournament, as the 26th seed. Just win a match girl. Nads, Dani, and AMG are also poking around.

Third Quarter: In my humble opinion, BY FAR the strongest quarter. At the bottom, Vika might get Kim (who she lost to in Toronto last year) and before that, MJMS who had a great IW. On the other side you’ve got IW winner JJ, who will likely face the winner of JZ/Superhero, both of which had a fantastic IW. You also have Lucie poking around. I’ve got a hunch that JJ won’t be as solid this week, and JZ was really on fire against Caro… so I’m feeling a JZ/Kim quarterfinal.

Fourth Quarter: Poor Lena, she’s the Nads to Justine’s Masha. Or something. In other words, this is the second time Lena has drawn Justine in an early round this year… and this is the fourth tournament Justine is playing (who enters the rankings at 33rd this week). So… Justine sucked last week, but really, who knows? Kleybs and Bepa are also hanging around that eighth. The bottom has Caro (poor Kiri gets her again in the third round) Franny and Pavs (seeded 22nd… kickass!). I’m thinking Lena gets pissed and takes out Justine, and we do have ourselves a Caro/Lena quarter (no reason Caro shouldn’t make it that far). Caro beat Lena in Miami last year too, but we shall see.

Tennis pool is heating up! Masters and Premier events everywhere! Here’s the top 10 after Indian Wells:

1 AnaTennisGirl (managed by Ana) 17142
2 FedSucks (managed by Meghan) 16509
3 MindTheRacket (managed by Brodie) 15584
4 phillies07_08 (managed by Brian) 15541
5 RagingBitch (managed by Jills) 15219
6 ally_r (managed by Alison) 15052
7 eastcoast (managed by Renee) 15006
8 meretricula (managed by V) 14873
9 repoman13 (managed by Miguel) 14743
10 downtwo22 (managed by Joe) 14735

You know people who have near death experiences, and then come back fully revived with a new appreciation for life? Or an unhealthy person who almost dies of a heart attack, and does a complete overhaul of what they eat afterwards? We might as well start calling that the “JJ Syndrome”.

JJ looked well on her way to another confusing tournament. If you remember, last year she lost to PAvs early, who was a no one at the time. This year it was Errani, the tiny Italian, who was up a break for nearly the entire third set in their third round match. However, JJ kept calm, refocused, and pulled the thing out of her ass. She then went on to win the next 8 sets that she played (oddly, by a score of either 6-4 or 6-2 for all of them) and took the championship. And beating Shahar, Kleybs, Sam and Caro with those scores isn’t exactly a walk in the park.

So props to JJ, who showed the world (in other words, proved me wrong) that she CAN have streaks of consistency, and when she chooses to kick it into high gear and attack, can be one hell of a wall.

And really, it showed the real weakness of Caro’s game: not being able to defend the big hitters. Sure she can push weaker opponents around the court, but her inability to finish points (partially due to the lack of a big forehand, and REALLY due to her lack of volleying skills which keep her from moving in) cost her big time. Saw some people accusing Caro of not having a “plan B”. Not true. Girl had a perfect idea of what was going on out there. She just couldn’t do a damn thing about it.

Anyway, props JJ. As much as I might hate to say it, you really deserved this one.

Hats (and hairpieces) off for the Wrinkley Old Knob Head, who became the oldest debut winner of a Masters tournament yesterday, at 31 years and 2 days. 31! And it’s not like he had a great draw and took oppurtunity of it, he took out Nole, Rafa, and Dick. He also becomes the first Croat to win this tournament. Another important stat: 4 tiebreaks played, 4 tiebreaks won. You can’t hope to beat top players if you can’t take them out in the big tiebreaks (case in point, Baggy) and Ljubs just plain outserved Dick yesterday to take it.

Simply put, it’s just fun. Sure, you can be pissed at the fact that he took out such glory as Pico, Nole, and Rafa, but at some point you just have to tip the hat (or walking stick). Good job old man. Go buy yourself a nice reclining chair.

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“If I have to play the match of my life with doubles, I’d pick him as a partner.” – Wrinkley Old Knob Head on Rafa.

Good call, old man. Because Rafa has one tough noggin’… right? Go figure, Mr. Clean took Rafa out in a third set tiebreak, when you’d figure Rafa would be automatic. Rafa?

‘I was more nervous than passive, because I never had to arrive to this tiebreak.’ At 6-1 ‘I was destroyed mentally*’ – Rafa

Rafa… destroyed mentally? Hmm. Sounds like a brother is out of match play. It HAS been over a month. So how odd is it that Rafa might actually need the play more for the mental side than the physical side? Because the dude is moving well, and hitting shots.

But let’s just throw our hats off to Old Man Ljubs for a second. A player who was as high as number 3 four years ago… and turned 31 two days ago. THIRTY ONE. That wrinkley knob head is old in tennis terms, y’all (does he not look way fuckin’ older or what?) He’s used his experience and sensibility to make brilliant and smart shots all week long. God damn old man.

This goofball beat Sod (thanks for avenging Muzz!) in three needless sets, after being up a break and giving away two in the second set. Really, the guy is on fire with the serve, for the most part, and without Fed in the way, he’s made the final losing only one set on the way. So the new age, big server vs. the creative walking stick. Probably not what the tournament organizers were expecting, but… gooooood.

OK, OK, fine. Sod had been on fire all week. He might even beat Dick in the semis. And Muzz was absolutely USELESS. You break Sod while he’s serving for the set, then lose in the tiebreak? Why am I even bothering?

In other words, Sod has proven that last year was not a fluke. In fact, it might have been just the beginning. Run for your lives.

Not much else to say for the men. Wrinkley Knob Head took out Pico, Rafa just lost the second set to him, and Dick won 97% of his first serve points against T-Rob, which was messy business. Seriously Rafa, get this together.